I

I feel so out of place with this world. I have family who cares but then doesn’t and betrays me more then friends sometimes. Who can’t come to my graduation on time or at all. who doesnt want to  do anything with me. I have friends that don’t tell me or invite me to things most the time. Who lie to me and don’t tell me shit. I can always forgive them though bc atleast they take time to get to know me and we all make mistakes but family just hurts bc they don’t really care that much. I’m a bitch sometimes and I didnt even realize it and i hurt people that wanted to get to know me more. I try to make up for my mistakes and make up with the people and just say how sorry i was. Maybe I don’t deserve a good friend or anything serious with anyone.  I’ve wanted to just to have this close bond with people but sometimes its hard bc they already have someone and they don’t want to let anyone else in. I just want to connect with someone. I’ve connected with my dad but still not enough and my mom i always have trouble connecting with her but ive noticed shes the only one who really cares and tries to help me out. friends already have one person so I don’t get that real close feeling to them. Ive let one person get really close and its nice but i dont even get to see her now and have no phone to talk to him. Other friend in canada I  love him but i dont think itll ever work bc i still have doubts about us ever being something but best friends of course. I just want to get myself job save up and take classes and graduate and then travel. maybe when I take classes in things i like then maybe  ill make more friends and be able to connect with people and be able to go do things. I have to put myself out there and let people get to know me but I will try harder then before. Try not to be someone who just locks herself up in a house and not try to connect.  I want to try get out of this state of always feeling betrayed and maybe try to stop being a slut. just be who I am. Not feel like I want to be the girl from my past anymore bc honestly i think ive improved which I didnt think so at first but my mind has developed more and ive been able to see more things its just took me a little longer. I want to try to grow more and just remember I have potential to do what i want and make friends. what I want still not really sure lol