When you truly like someone I think the thought of cheating is non existent, what you tell each other about your past doesn’t matter and you have an understanding of what you both want. You feel like your truly connecting and you could both do some damage to each other if it ends. Scared to let you in but excited too. I think i’m falling for him and when I get back i might go harder! God i’ve never felt this connection before! a guy who will do the grosses things for you is pretty special.:) MMMMMMMMMMM!
I want to do this with you forever!
I blame my mom for a lot of my self hate and insecurities. I can never be enough for her and now in my mind I feel like that for me and everyone else. I let all guys stomp all over me and its a cycle that I can’t break and I want to stop so bad but I fear that I will break down and not know how to be by myself. I’m afraid of loosing another person in my life and i’m afraid of loosing my self an not knowing what I’m going to do with my life. Maybe it will be different then i think. I just want the satisfaction now and not even considering the possibilities later down the road. I’m letting my negative emotions take me over and they take the best of me. it’s my fault i keep going down this road but i’m not sure how i’m going to just stop when i’m gripping on for something to stay in my life. Why was i raised that it’s all about a man being in your life that will make you happy? What would really make me happy is knowing who I am, knowing what I want to do and having loyal people in my life. I really want to be a better me and feel better about who i am and know that I dont need a mans love to live. But i’m constantly afraid that i will have nothing with out them. How do I just stop? How will I just be ok with myself being single for awhile? I haven’t had a break since june and I only had 2 months of a break. How i try to keep strong was having friends but i lost it bc of the distance and I let guys poke back in bc i let someone convince me i need a man. who my mother! so I blame her mostly and i blame myself too bc im letting myself settle. I’m not trying to do better bc i just want that satisfaction now. The scary part is that someone can just be ok with me being gone so easily like i wont be missed at all. I really want someone to just be happy with me. I want to feel like i dont need to have sex to keep someone around. I need to figure out how to get all these negative thoughts to go away. I’m going to need to have postive friends who wont bring me down and who will help me feel loved. Anyways I really hope i can change who i am inside and stop beating myself up all the time.